Lord, search me and know me. Check my heart and make it yours. Remove those things that are keeping me from growing closer to you. A continuous desire...wanting to be closer to God, to be completely his, to somehow grasp the answer Jesus gave when asked about the most important commandment. How do you love god with all you heart soul, mind, and strength? The longing to be holy and wholly his.
The answer came in an invitation. The still, soft voice asking, "would you fast". I have received the invitation before. When the invitation comes I often answer, "yes, Lord". Most times I already know what the fast entails. What God is asking me to do. Fasting for a day, a week, the Lenten season had become a part of my spiritual walk. This invitation was different. God wanted seven months.
My flesh screamed. What would I give up for that long? What could I add to my life for a season of seven months? It seemed like an eternity. As the answers came little by little, the wrestling began.
Is this my own mind? Could I be making it up? Why would I want to do something like this? Seven months...I have never done anything for that long.
Finally I mustered up the nerve to tell a friend. I shared with her this call to fast. This thing I had been wrestling with for many days now. I asked the question I had been asking myself, "What if I made this all up?"
Her answer, "What if you did? Can't he use it anyway?"
As I drove home I realized the wrestling was over. As I limped along I realized how hard this trip would be to take. My biggest struggle...could I finish. You see, I am not a finisher. I am a starter. Getting excited about good ideas, new books, promising programs. But the long haul now that is another thing altogether.
Now, on the other side of this fast...standing at the end and not the beginning I recognize that god used it to answer the prayer I had been praying for so long. Through the months he searched me, removed those things in the way, and healed so much. I am me but transformed. New in so many good ways.
Have you been praying the same prayer? Asking God to show you how to love him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Maybe it is time to open the invitation.
Without opening the invitation you cannot find out what you are even invited to be a part of. This invitation to a fast left me with more questions than answers.
What would I add to or take away from my life for seven months?
When should I start...finish?
Over the course of several weeks God would answer the questions I had on what He wanted from me. The first thing I realized was that this was a different fasting experience than I had ever heard of or done in my life. Not only the length but the details of the fast were designed in a way to move me through a weekly cycle.
When I seek God's guidance I often ask for confirmation of what I am hearing. The first confirmation that this was God's plan came when I took a look at the calendar. God gave me a start date and so I wanted to see when the completion would be. I felt led to begin in June which put me finishing on the last day of December--New Year's Eve. Could that be possible? Not only that but the end date was a Saturday which meant even more because it is the last day of the fasting cycle.
The invitation came mid-April. God used the six weeks to prepare and reveal his plan for me. Words, scriptures, definitions, and the physical practice for each day slowly began to come together in a way that made sense to me. The week before I was to begin this journey I found myself wrestling once more.
"God, is this your plan for me? Can I really complete it? Have I lost my mind?"
The answer came through his word. A scripture I had never read before found in the book of Joel.
"Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing-- grain offerings and drink offerings for the LORD your God."
No questions left. No words to say. I kept saying those two small words found near the end..."who knows?" Who knows? What did I have to lose? It was time to R.S.V.P.
